MOVIE DURING WHICH I CHECKED MY WATCH THE MOST
Prisoner of the Mountains
Why is it that the Russians make films like they make cars? We found this critically praised Ruskie film disturbingly earnest and literal--a poorly executed Discovery Channel travelogue masquerading as a simply bad A&E drama. One hour in, I was checking my watch during every daylit scene.

BEST HAIRPIECE
Stanley Tucci
Big Night
Not only did he write and direct this fine film, but he wears a toupee as well. And what a well-crafted rug it is. For the first time in his career, Tucci looked like Gary Grant, instead of Dr. Katz.

BEST BUG MOVIE
Microcosmos
With a cast a thousand insects, this nature documentary added new significance to our debate over whether Courtney Love deserved an award nomination because she was simply portraying a character like herself in The People vs Larry Flynt. If Love deserves one, then so do these bugs for being so . . . well . . . buglike. A special achievement award should be given to the Sisyphean beetle pushing the dirt ball.

SCENE THAT MADE US SWEAT
The Funeral
When Christopher Walken entered the room holding an ax, we could only pray we wouldn't be involved in what would happened next.

BEST NON-BREEDER PERFORMANCE
Lili Taylor
I Shot Andy Warhol
A great actress consistently snubbed by the Academy, brilliant as the lesbian prophet of female chauvinism.

BEST WHITE TRASH WHORE PERFORMANCE
Amanda Plummer
Freeway
Plummer has dedicated her career to playing the scum of the earth. For that we love her.

BEST CONTINUOUS WEEPING ENSEMBLE PERFORMANCE
Secrets and Lies
Great movie, but don't these people ever stop crying?

BEST ALCOHOLIC PERFORMANCE
Steve Buscemi
Trees Lounge
Most actors equate drunkenness with obnoxious behavior and stumbling (Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas comes to mind). Buscemi opened up a whole introspective element to alcoholic consumption.

MOST PATHETIC ENDING TACKED
ON BY STUDIO EXECUTIVES
Mother
Albert Brook's movie Mother was average at best, but the tie-a-ribbon-around-this-package feel good ending, makes us realize why Mr. Brooks change his last name from Einstein.

MOST OVERWROUGHT ACTING
John Gielgud
Shine
" Not the Rachmananoff," Gielgud shrieked like John Candy as Johnnie LaRue reviewing a bad restaurant, in a performance as inflated as Helfgotts' real-life piano recitals.

BEST SOUNDTRACK THAT COULD HAVE FIRST APPEARED AS A K-TEL COMPILATION
Breaking The Waves
What may have been the best movie of the year comes up with a soundtrack that includes Jethro Tull and Uriah Heap. 7.99 cassette. 12.99 CD.

MOST MISLEADING TRAILER
Big Night
Fortunately we saw the movie before we saw the trailer, otherwise we would have thought Big Night was Mel Brook's take on restaurateuring.

MOVIE BEST SUITED TO BE OVERDUBBED BY MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000
Albino Alligator
Schlock film-noire at its dumbest.

MOVIE LARGELY IGNORED BY THE ACADEMY, BUT MOST LIKELY TO APPEAR ON MOVIE CRITICS ALL TIME TOP TEN LISTS A DECADE FROM NOW
Trainspotting

BEST LINE
Frances McDormand
Fargo
" That would be your accomplice in the woodchipper?"

BEST HAT
Johnny Depp
Dead Man
Depp wasn't just wearing headgear, but an icon of the lost soul of the West.

ACTOR MOST LIKELY TO BE
INVOLVED IN A BOX OFFICE FLOP
Tom Arnold
If you're a producer, run from this man. 1996 saw him star in 3 of the Top Ten worst grossing films — Big Bully ($12.4 million loss), The Stupids ($20.1 Million Loss), Carpool $12.6 Million loss)

MOST FORGETTABLE MOVIE
Unforgettable
In spite of our best efforts we couldn't remember it.

MOST EMBARRASSING COMPLAINT ABOUT AN ACTOR NOT NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD
Dan Rather
Mr. Network News Big Shot grumbled about Debbie Reynolds not appearing on the Academy's list of best actress nominees for her performance in Mother. Rather called it "a stunning injustice" — a description that made us wonder what he thought about Strom Thurmond's re-election.