1998
And the Winner of The Best Motion Picture
Award Show is...
Outstanding
Achievement by a Body Fluid
Happiness
1998 was a seminal year for body fluids. Moviegoers were treated to the light
side of menstrual blood in Something
About Mary and Your
Friends and Neighbors; a diarrhea attack during a marriage proposal
in Henry Fool; a
father pissing on a fence while the mother announces her pregnancy in Another
Day in Paradise. But the Calley goes to Happiness where a young
man's first masturbatory yield is lapped up by a Golden Retriever who gallops
to the den and wet starchy kisses the entire family. Now that's entertainment.
Most
Disrespectful Plot Point
Woody Allen
Celebrity
In this Allen screenplay, Kenneth Branaugh plays a contemporary journalist
wanna-be novelist. But after a domestic split-up, Branaugh's spurned lover
goes bitch-cakes and pitches his unpublished manuscript into the Hudson River. "That's
my only copy," he screams. Only copy? It's the 1990's, Woody. We'll
accept Soon Yi, but we find your script's indifference to an audience living
in a world of word processors and photocopiers insulting.
Best
Performance by an East Coast Mayor
Marion Berry
Slam
The runner-up in this category is ex-New York Mayor Ed Kotch for his frantic
self-portrayal in Somewhere
in the City. The Calley, in an upset, goes to D.C. Mayor "Cracker
Jack" Berry. Though not as fully-realized as his performance in The
Bitch Set Me Up, Berry's turn as a judge in the refreshingly linguistic hip-hop
movie Slam was hangdog daring.
Orange
County Situational Ethics Award
Shakespeare
in Love
Orange County may appear to be on the traditional family values side of the
culture war, but its audiences flocked to see a romantic comedy about an
influential man who was inspired and then crushed by the consequences of
extramarital recreation. The similarities between Shakespeare in Love and
Clinton in love cannot be ignored. Both have high approval ratings, proof
that — in spite of appearances — Orange County is a hotbed of
secular humanism.
Most
Fucked-Up Rock Video in a Movie About Fuck-Ups
El Duce and the Mentors
Kurt
and Courtney
We were debating who was more fucked-up in this documentary: Kurt Cobain
on the floor waiting for a chalk outline; Coy little Courtney Love accepting
an award from the ACLU; Hank Harrison, Courtney's Dad, insinuating his daughter
killed Kurt; Rozz Rezabek, Courtney's ex-squeeze, in an on-camera tirade;
Nick Broomfield, the director, barging into a stranger's hotel room by mistake.
Then along came El Duce and the Mentors doing their Jerry Springeresque porn
metal anthem "Sex Slave." They're the fucked-up cherry on the top.
Whiniest
Director
Bill Kalmenson
Souler Opposite
As director and writer of this dismal deodorant ad disguised as a romantic
comedy, Bill Kalmenson convinced himself that it had "orgasmic" qualities.
But when distributors had the good sense to pass on his film, he whined.
He whined on radio. He whined on television. He
whined to the Orange County Weekly's Commie Girl at a Fullerton
showing. Whine or not, the film still sucked. In fact, ten minutes into
the Souler Opposite, it won another Calley: Most Justifiable Movie
to Walk Out On.
Best
Cinemagraphic Reason Not to Major in Philosophy
Thin
Red Line
If you believe director and ex-Cal State philosophy professor Terrence Malick,
the real story at Guadacanal was not the battle between U.S. and Japanese
troops. It was the outbreak of internal philosophic dialogs. "Where
does war come from?" our soldiers asked themselves. "Where does
love come from?" "We are all like this grass," answered a
bezoomy John Savage pulling at the South Pacific turf. As school of humanities
graduates, this film--a exquisite looking piece of existential drivel--made
us wish we were MBAs.
Best
Manifesto
Dogme 95
According the manifesto of Dogme 95, "Movies have been cosmeticized
to death." Special effects and illusion "wash the last grains of
truth away in the deadly embrace of sensation." Membership in Dogme
95 — a organization of film directors founded in Copenhagen — requires
a "Vow of Chastity:" Everything takes place here and now. No stage
lighting. No special effects. Locations only. The results — 1996's Breaking
the Waves and 1998's Celebration — are
more riveting than George Lucas could dream.
We
Bet Their Wives Have Implants Award
Motion Picture Organization of
America
"The biggest problem in the country isn't money or drugs. It's breasts," read
the prototype poster for the coming of age film The
Slums of Beverly Hills. But
this tagline didn't survive the censors at the Motion Picture Organization of
America. They reasoned that the word "breasts' might offend innocent children
strolling past theaters. In response Fox, the film's producer, revised the message
to "Never judge a girl by her address." Our guess is that children
would judge in favor of breasts.
English
Language Film Most in Need of English Subtitles
Nil
by Mouth
Even if you're accustomed to deciphering heavy British, Scottish or Irish accents
the only words you'll recognize in the aptly named Nil by Mouth are "cunt" and "fuck." In
the future Gary Oldman, who directed and starred in this profane semi-autobiographic
film, should stop listening to Kenny McCormick or supply a translation.
Gary
Busey Award for Outstanding Dementia
Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas
Converting a drug addict into a born-again Christian is like adapting a Hunter
S. Thompson novel to a movie. It works, but its bad-tempered.
Line
Most Likely to Offend the
Trinity Broadcasting Network
Trey Parker
Orgazmo
Joe Young, played by South's Parks Trey Parker, is a well-endowed Mormon
trying to survive on a missionary's salary. Through divine providence he
stumbles into a career as a porn film star, takes the stage name of Tom Hung,
and asks that ageless question: "How would Christ benefit from me putting
my tongue in someone's mouth?"
Special
Acknowledgment of Comic Megalomania
Roberto Benigni
Life is Beautiful
Past winners in this category have included the ever-mugging Jim Carey, the
amazingly inflated Billy Crystal and the hyperactive ham-fisted Robin Williams — once
very talented wits who succumbed to the tragedy of comic megalomania. This
debilitating disease distorts a comic's perspective until the victim believes
he or she can save the world with laughter. The Calley this year goes to
Roberto Benigni for his pathetically delusional performance in the feel-good
Nazi film, Life is Beautiful. Once again, we are a sadly reminded
that no comic is safe from this dreaded affliction.
Most
Misguided Litigation
Touch of Evil (1998
Version)
The 1958 version of this Orson Welles' classic was edited by its producers
into a standard B-movie format. But with the discovery of a memo Welles wrote
in protest, Touch of Evil was painstakingly reworked to include
his original directorial wishes. Now his daughter, Beatrice Welles is suing
Universal Pictures to stop the new improved version's video release. Beatrice
claims it isn't edited properly and damages Welles' reputation. Beatrice.
Beatrice. Beatrice. You're going frivolous over the wrong film. It was the
FIRST version of Touch of Evil that wasn't edited properly. As for
your father's reputation, it was damaged long ago with his Johnny Carson
magic act and Paul Masson wine TV spots.
Best
Film with the Worst Odds of Winning an Oscar
Pi
Clockwatchers, Buffalo
'66, Hands on
a Hard Body, Mr.
Jealousy, Love
and Death on Long Island and The
Opposite of Sex are
all worthy of this award, but the Calley goes to Pi.
A migraine-inspired hard drive nightmare, Pi is not
only smart, funny and provocative, it was incredibly cheap to
make. In fact financially, 1,000 Pi = 1 Truman Show. That
makes Pi difficult for Hollywood to recognize. Why?
It's the money talking.
— Nathan
Callahan, March 6, 1999
