Most Boom Mike Shots in Frame
Woody Allen
Sweet and Lowdown
Woody has gone flaccid as a director. Forget the paint-by-the-numbers script, in three scenes Allen failed to shoot a retake when a boom mike cruised above Sean Penn's head.

Happiest Drunk
Kongar-ol Ondar
Genghis Blues
In the year's best documentary, Tuvian throat singer Kongar-ol Ondar drinks home made brew out of a five gallon plastic jug until he's giddier than Dana Rohrabacher in a Tiajuana bar.

Best Lawnmower Story
The Straight Story
Eraserhead meets Mickey Mouse in this Disney produced David Lynch-directed high-water mark for heart-tugging lawnmower action. Not since Lawn Dogs has a John Deere blade inspired such mow, blow and go sentiment.

Most Frequent Use of the Word Fuck
Blair Witch Project
" In October of 1994, three student filmmakers disappeared in the woods near Burkittville, Maryland while shooting a documentary A year later their footage was found." It showed three witch cult documentarians hiking into a forest crammed with pagan witch totems unable to say anything but "What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that?"

Best Pie
Titus
Just another Disney-inspired Shakespeare movie (directed by Broadway's Lion King musical director Julie Taymor) is redeemed when Titus cooks up a scrumptious lattice crust sibling pie. This steaming hot delight, chuck full of brothers Chiron and Demetrius' medium-rare ground brains is served to their peckish mother. At last, Michael Eisner has fathered a movie with palatable family entertainment values.

Best Negative Product Placement
Go
Volvo, BMW, Mercedes — they all plug their cars in the movies. But when "Go's" Sarah Polley gets whacked by a Miata at a rave, the car fails the cargo space test. Her body won't fit in the trunk. "Stop," the perps say. "It's a Miata. We'll put her in the passenger seat."

Words to Live by Caught on Film
William Burroughs
The Source
" If a religious son-of-a-bitch asks you for money — get it in writing."

Elian Gonzales Award for Bad Subtitles
Buena Vista Social Club
Wim Wenders' Havana documentary used bright white subtitles over bright white backgrounds. The results? Illegibility. What were these Cubans saying? According to one Spanish speaking friend, it was code to Castro for plans to confound President Clinton with an international child custody battle.

Best Reason to Reinstate Hollywood's Black List
Cradle Will Rock
Dead anti-pinko Walt Disney wouldn't be happy if he knew his company produced this love letter to socialism. Neither were we. There's so much liberal earnestness in Cradle, it could make a good Marxist want to blow-off the Fifth Amendment and renounce the faith.

Most Self-Absorbed Portrayal of God
Alanis Morissette
Dogma
God goes down on Herself in a theater.

Smoking Pits of Hell Award
South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut
The Christian Analysis of American Culture review of South Park warns us "a child was graphically incinerated by igniting his anal wind," "body parts dripping with blood were ripped from a child by a surgeon who expressed shallow concern" and, as the crowning cinematic accomplishment of Satan "an all-male chorus line wore pink bikini briefs." For which sin are you ready to burn?

Best Prayer
Chris Klein
Election
" And thank you God for what I've been told is a large penis."

Seminal Moment For the Crowd Who Paid
$200 a Ticket to See the
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young Reunion Concert
Kevin Spacey
American Beauty
Spacey — playing a mid-lifer recovering from a serious case of malaise — gave emasculated men everywhere a mind-meld when he cathartically raised his fist and said "I rule."

Sergeant Joe Friday Award
David Mamet
The Winslow Boy
Now that David Mamet has embraced straightforward storytelling, his scripts have a Jack Webb Badge 714 mechanistic Dragnet drive. Just the facts, Mamet.

Best Rock Video
Run Lola Run

Freudian Bewilderment Award
Tom Cruise
Eyes Wide Shut
Kubrick's ode to sexual symbolism produced a Calley winning performance from Cruise, who spends half the film trying to invite himself to an orgy and then, when he's successful, is offended when he's asked to strip.

Most Dubious Invitation to Love
Angela's Ashes
Exploring the rich culture of Irish Catholicism, Ashes is a joyless showcase of birth-control-hating ruddy-faced men. "If you don't have relations with me," a husband tells his wife as a proposal for love "you're risking eternal damnation." Also winner in the Most Uncompromising Pick-up Line category.

Best Lawsuit
The Hurricane
In 1964, Ruben Hurricane Carter won a unanimous decision over Joey Giardello for the middle-weight boxing championship of the world. Giardello is now suing Universal because Hurricane — the movie — inaccurately shows him getting "relentlessly pummeled" by Carter. If the suit is successful the movie's video release may have clips of the actual fight appended after the credits roll. That's a start, but it will take at least one hundred more lawsuits like Giardello's to correct Hurricane's historical inaccuracies.

Most Questionable Copulation
Red Violin
This silly historical who-dunit answers the question: Can a violin virtuoso compose and screw at the same time? Apparently, yes. But far too melodramatically.

Spoiled Brat Award
Fight Club
Club gives the movie-going public the last thing it needs--a lecture from Brad Pitt on the ills of materialism.

Honeymoon in Auschwitz Award
Mr. Death
In Errol Morris' acclaimed documentary portrait of execution expert Fred Leuchter, there's only a glimpse Mr. Leuchter's wife. She may not be the most ravishing thing, but Mrs. Leuchter didn't deserve to marry a man whose honeymoon itinerary was 8 nights of no sex and 9 days of excavating a death camp.

Most Effective Blasphemy
Omega Code
Orange County's pay-as-you pray-TV-evangelist Paul Crouch Jr. endlessly plugged Omega — his Trinity Broadcasting Network Production. It paid off. Even though the film's plotline was an insult to the God, Omega generated the nation's highest per screen average for one weekend.

Desperate Biblical Reference Award
Magnolia
A muddle of a movie that even a downpour of frogs from the book of Exodus couldn't save.

Best Non-nomination
Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
Jim Carrey
Carrey bitched when he wasn't nominated for an Oscar for last year's middling performance in The Truman Show. This year, a special thanks goes out to the Academy for not nominating another Carrey performance, this time in Man on the Moon — the most self-conscious mugging in Hollywood.

Movie that will Appear on Film Critics
Best of List Ten Years from Now
Julien Donkey Boy
Other contenders for this, the most coveted Calley. were Boys Don't Cry, Afterlife, The Dream Life of Angels and Being John Malkovich. But none of these films have Donkey Boy's Harmony Korine. A director who challenges your attention-span, Korine is pretentious, artsy-fartsy, corrosive and annoying. That makes him just the kind of edgy prick who creates an impression in cinema circles.