2000
Sex, Drugs and Narcissism
The
Rick Reiff Golden Straightjacket Award
American Psycho
Cut throat business and murder are interchangeable in this conspicuous consumption
classic based on Bret Easton Ellis' infamous 1991 novel. Reiff, Executive
Editor of the “Orange County Business Journal” who, like Patrick
Bateman (American Psycho’s serial killer) sets his moral compass
by free market standards did not attend the presentation . . . but sent his
card.
Worst
Dinner Guest
Ed Harris
Pollock
As alcoholic asshole abstract expressionist drip artist Jackson Pollock,
Harris flips over dinner tables, bangs out Gene Krupa on the family china
and pees in the fireplace. What delightful company.
Best
Drug Concealment
Catherine Zeta Jones
Traffic
We’ve heard of cocaine containers that resemble yams and stuffing ganja
into pineapple cans, but Catherine Zeta Jones hides the dope best in Traffic. One
minute she’s an innocent caught in the drug trade, in the next scene
she’s trying to deal a planeload of blow manufactured into tasteless,
odorless undetectable hard plastic toy clowns.
Worst
Accent
Kevin Costner
Thirteen
Days
Costner’s Marketing Degree from Cal State Fullerton didn’t help
his ability to fill a theater or develop a believable Boston accent for this
Kennedy Cuban Missile Crisis flick. Where did you pick up this West Coast
brogue Kevin, the Titan locker
room?
Most
Potentially Disappointing Oscar Moment
Best Actor — Tom Hanks
Cast Away
Hanks has already won two Best Actor Oscars for Forrest
Gump and Philadelphia. But
simply yelling “I have created fire!” and undergoing a physical
transformation (which most Academy members confuse with good acting) does
not qualify him for an unprecedented third-- the first in history. If he
does win, De Niro, Nicholson and Brando ought to pound the snot out of him.
Britney
Spears Award for PG Porn
Coyote Ugly
Director David McNally's previous work included the Budweiser "Lobster" TV
commercial and it shows. Coyote is the supreme cock-tease naked tummy teen
titillation for the post-pubescent inflatable chair whassup crowd.
Reverend
Schuller Platitude Award
Couching Tiger,
Hidden Dragon
“ If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.” “Tough times
never last, but tough people do.” So sayeth, the Crystal
Cathedral’s Reverend Robert H Schuller. But Crouching Tiger gives
the Rev a run for his banality. “A faithful heart makes wishes come true.” “Sharpness
is a state of mind. “Everything has an opposite.” I’m feeling
queasy. Pass the Ginseng.
Best
Reason to be Unpatriotic
The Patriot
Trite, melodramatic and dull as dirt, Mel Gibson’s soap opera history
lesson makes it hard to honor our forefathers.
Elvis Presley Award for Drug Enforcement Arrogance
Martin
Sheen
Martin was the honorary chair of California’s No on Proposition 36
campaign, leading the Drug War cranks who claimed that hard time is the best
rehabilitation for addicts. About jailing his addicted son Charlie the eloquent
Sheen said, “I risked his hating me forever and put his ass away.” Even
the “Orange County Register” and Republican Senate Candidate
Tom Campbell had the good sense to snub Sheen and back 36. Fortunately,
rehab won.
Most
Authentic Newport Beach Tan
Karen Allen
The Perfect Storm
It was nice seeing Allen working again, but she should consider some SPF
15. You could upholster a booth at Cowboy with her hide.
Most
Baffling Oscar Quote
John Pavlik
“ We're not here to create a show that panders to our celebrity-driven
culture,” said Pavlik, a spokesman for the Academy of Motions Picture Arts
and Sciences in a February 9, 2001 “Wall Street Journal” interview.
That makes it official. The Academy has no idea what it’s doing.
Edison
Field Award for Brand Name Recognition
Disney's
The Kid
Mayor
Christina Shea Voice Mail Award
Croupier
Irvine, California Mayor Christina Shea will forever be remembered for ignorantly
leaving a phone message that questioned the integrity of her own Irvine Police
Department. The message was forwarded to the press and the rest is local
bad political history. Perhaps she got her dumb idea from “Croupier,” whose
lead character leaves a voice mail describing his upcoming crime. He’s
busted and run out of town. We can only hope the same fate is in store for
Christina.
Worst
Trailer
Cast
Away
Pardon us for asking, but isn't the payoff to this movie whether or not Tom
Hanks makes it off the island? And if it's not, shouldn't it be? Yet the Cast
Away trailer walks us through the whole story — from snout to
vent.
Mr.
T Award
Dr. T
and the Women
We pity the fool who saw this movie.
Best
Performance by an Icelandic Rock Star
Bjork
Dancer in the Dark
Rumor has it that the working title for this splendidly depressing musical
was “Dead Bjork Walking.”
Best
Reason to Hate the Sixties
Steal This
Movie
If the 60s were as unfunny, stilted and over-earnest as this bio-pic, the
FBI would have found that Abbie Hoffman actually did put his penis in Spiro
Agnew’s daughter. Fortunately they weren’t and he didn’t.
Most
Auspicious Transition to TV
Erin Brockovich
Pushing her halter top career to the limit, the real Brockovich now has a reality-based
court TV program in development.
The
Limp Dick Award
Quills
All promise and no payoff, this lightweight melodramatic look at the Marquis
de Sade (history’s role model for perversity) has more feigned promiscuity
than a No Doubt concert complete with sexually frustrated priests, clichéd
lunatics and necrophilia on a half-shell.
Jan
Crouch Lifetime Achievement in Cosmetics Award
Tammy Faye Baker
The Eyes of Tammy Faye
Tammy Faye Baker, the godmother of extreme born-again makeup, inspired this
enchanting RuPaul narrated documentary. With her thick mascara dissolving
in tears beneath an ever-changing pastel wig, Crouch, her glimmer twin, can
be seen every night on Orange County’s
Trinity Broadcasting Network. When they were together at TBN, Baker bequeathed
everything she knew about overkill to Crouch. Now, with this award, that
legacy runs full circle.
Most
Likely to Win an Oscar Because the Academy Has its Head
up its Butt Award
Gladiator
Though there were dozens of better movies (i.e. Requiem
for a Dream, The Ballad of
Ramblin’ Jack, You Can
Count on Me, Aimee and Jaguar, Girl
on the Bridge, The Venus Beauty
Institute, Ghost Dog, An
Affair of Love and House
of Mirth) this WWF
version of Roman times will win for its epic scale and self-importance. Why?
Because these qualities best represent the Academy.
— Nathan
Callahan, March 6, 2001
