Best Actor
Chuck Norris
If President George W. Bush thinks Chuck is our nation’s finest screen talent, so do we. Ten hut. Forward march. United we stand.

Hot Lesbian Sex Award
Mulholland Drive
We would have called this the “Most Obvious Disguise for a Bad TV Show Award,” but we figured you’d get more of a pop if hot lesbian sex was involved. That’s exactly what director David Lynch thought, too. Lynch originally presented Mulholland Drive as a television series pilot to ABC. The network’s executives pissed on it, so Lynch took his “dark epic nightmare” and turned it into a feature film by adding hot naked lesbian sex. Critics lapped it up.

Most Inspired Foreign Policy Advice
Johnny Depp
In spite of his stinky performance in From Hell, Depp outmaneuvered National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice when he told the U.K. Sun that “The U.S. should have saturated Afghanistan with liquid LSD and got everybody goofed out of their minds. Then they should have sent the military in dressed as Teletubbies.” Giving a whole new meaning to smokin’ em out, Depp concluded, “Bin Laden would have been in a blonde wig and eight-inch-high heels, singing 'These Boots Are Made for Walking.’”

Best Reason to Boycott Movies
In-Theater Advertising
Not only does your money-gouging local cineplex offer popcorn and bottled water at astonishingly high prices, but now they’re screening Coke ads and promos for the Chino Hills Mall. Next time you see a 30-second spot in a theater, stand up and scream “I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE — NO MORE ADS." Someone might get the message.

Worst Appropriated Soundtrack
Moulin Rouge
Just kidding. This was the best soundtrack ever, if you like soul-less overamped synthetic remakes sung by weak-voiced Hollywood hypsters.

PR Blowback Award
The Man Who Wasn’t There
When the Coen Brothers filmed their latest homage to pretentious emptiness at the Orange Circle near Chapman College, detours and backed-up traffic stressed-out thousands of commuting students and residents. The location shoot ran over schedule, so the Coens’ crew, in a stroke of marketing genius, arrogantly trash-talked the locals. That's one way of impacting public opinion about a film.

Do Unto Others Award
Omega Code Lawsuit
May God’s wrath fall upon the Trinity Broadcasting Network. In 2001, TBN’s Jim and Tammy Faye wannabes settled a plagiarism lawsuit for ripping-off the story line of Sylvia Fleener’s book, The Omega Syndrome. When a movie promo for The Omega Code obliquely claimed, “The final battle between good and evil will take place here,” we wondered where? In the courtroom?

The Rearview Mirror Award
Memento
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Outstanding Achievement in Projectile Vomiting
Go Tigers!
A documentary view of fat, brutal and stupid high school life, Go Tigers! pivots at a keg party when an underage football player shoots an incredible funnel of Bud and finger food on the carpet. Count ‘em: one, two, three, four massive money shots of carbonated chunks. Cinema verité was never this good.

U.S. Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld Misinformation Award
Black Hawk Down
The October 3, 1993 raid on Somalia, in which 18 soldiers were killed as two Black Hawk helicopters went down, was a fucked-up mess. But in Hollywood, facts are stupid things. “It’s not America’s darkest hour, but America’s brightest hour,” said Joe Roth, head of Revolution Films and makers of this new wave blood and guts war movie. Roth is probably sporting wood since the U.S. is readying troops to fight evil-doers in Somalia again. The only trouble is one of our chief allies is Hussein Aideed, the son of the principle evil-doer in Black Hawk Down.

Patriotic Display Most Resembling
a Chevy Truck Commercial
America the Beautiful — Pass it On
Christian Nsync clone Plus One provides the saccharine harmonies to our quasi-national anthem in this feel good trailer where patriotism achieves the kind of respect equal to the most reliable four-wheel drive on the market. This post 9/11 tribute to “Like a Rock” advertising caused a minor controversy when initially the words “God shed his grace on thee” were deleted to fit the one-minute time limit. Monotheistic voices, however, protested and the spot was recut to include God. Personally, we'd rather watch under age drinkers vomit.

Superior Court Judge Ronald C. Kline Award
L.I.E.
Young boys. Old Men. ‘Nuff said.

The Next Woody Allen Award
Caveh Zahedi for In the Bathtub of the World and
Timothy Levitch for Waking Life
A tie between an Iranian and a Jew — and not a minute too soon. Now that Woody Allen makes unchallenging crap, it’s time to pass the mantle of urban mensch along to someone who deserves it.

No Accounting for Bad Taste Award
Afghani Titanic Fans
After watching blackmarket copies of James Cameron’s wretched 1997 epic, The Titanic, all the young dudes in Afghanistan wanted do’s like Leonardo DiCaprio’s. The result: By January 2001, barbers in Kabul were jailed by the Taliban’s Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice because they trimmed men’s hair in a style that has become known as The Titanic. For awhile, long hair and beards prevailed. But now, thanks to America’s fighting elite, Kabulians can have Titanics once again. Thank god Lethal Weapon didn’t hit Kabul’s blackmarket; the mullet may have overtaken the Middle East.