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The Eighth Annual Calleys

The Rewards of Duck Hunting in Hollywood

On Sunday February 29th, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences — the world's most glamorous employer of copyright infringement attorneys and Scientologists — will celebrate its 76th year of trophy tossing.

More than just a measure of talent, an Oscar is a measure of full page Variety and Hollywood Reporter ads, entertainment conglomerate tie-ins, and, of course, the all-important skill of doing lunch (or as they say in the halls of justice “duck hunting”).

As always, watching Academy members react to their new pecking order will be the evening's most riveting entertainment. Who will be maudlin? Who will be insufferable? Who will be grandiloquent? Will Hollywood become Jacksonville, Coppolaland or New Eastwood? Will its residents give deeper curtsies to Valenti or another rough beast whose hour has come round at last?

And when the Oscars arrive, so do the Calleys — America’s most reviled annual motion picture industry-related awards.

As a self-appointed film authority, I’ve conferred with hundreds of cinema buffs and faultfinders to assemble a panel of experts, including: the hyperactively opinionated personal injury attorney, Jan Rainbird; Costa Mesa, California's own acerbic literary critic, Karlene Miller; and political consultant and ex-theater projectionist Mike Kaspar. It is our aim to reward the extraordinary.

Ladies and Gentleman. (Ahem.) For your consideration — the Calleys.

Just Say No Award
Billy Tauzin
Motion Picture Association of America
For 38 years, Jack Valenti reigned as president of the MPAA. In his tenure, he ushered in the rating system, tackled international trade issues as the industry became global, and played Peter Pan in Hollywood's efforts against piracy.

Last year, at 82, he was ready to resign gracefully. The MPAA even had a successor standing in the wings — Congressman Billy Tauzin, a conservative Republican from Louisiana. But Tauzin, head of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, and one of the most influential lawmakers specializing in media issues, had a last minute change of heart. It seems he was hooked on drugs — legal ones, that is. The Congressman had a habit of mainlining campaign contributions from the drug industry. Then, while negotiating the new Medicare bill, he took meetings in the basement of the Capitol with small groups of lawmakers, administration officials, and industry execs.

Before you could say “Ritilin,” Tauzin turned down Valenti and the MPAA to focus on the top job at Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) — the drug industry's Washington lobby that represents drug giants Pfizer Inc. and Merck & Co. Who needs Hollywood when you have pharmaceuticals?

Walmart Cost-Cutting Award
Miramax
Cold Mountain
You would think that an American-themed movie would be made in America. Think again. Cold Mountain, the Jude Law/Nicole Kidman cinematic soap opera set in Virginia and North Carolina against the background of the Civil War was shot almost entirely in Romania. Congratulations, Miramax. Not only have you helped perpetuate lower wages in Eastern Europe, you’ve added to the list of runaway productions that account for more than $10 billion draining from the US economy each year.

Collateral Damage Award
Quentin Tarentino
Kill Bill
Mainstream moral America critiqued Kill Bill’s amped-up decapitating cartoon-style violence, while hip nihilistic America paid nine bucks a pop to revel in Tarentino’s homage to cinematic gore. Meanwhile, war atrocities and body bags ( which the pentagon now refers to as “transfer tubes”) postmarked Iraq are hidden from our view. Are we not in denial? Whatever your answer, Tarentino profits.

Line Your Coffers Award
Mel Gibson
The Passion
It’s been called "one of the greatest opportunities for evangelism in 2,000 years" and “the beginning of a new spiritual awakening in America." Even more miraculous, Gibson, a pre-Vatican II Catholic who invested $25 million attempting to recreate the last earthly half-day of a Jewish carpenter, told screeners that while filming The Passion he witnessed agnostics and Muslims on the set converting to Christianity. What Gibson failed to mention is to which hate-based sect these wayward souls converted.

Cardiovascular Disease Award
Charlize Theron
Monster
On a diet that “consisted mainly of Krispy Kreme donuts and anything that was swimming in cream or had cheese on top of it,” Theron gained 30 pounds for her role as serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the film Monster. It makes you wonder why the real Wuornos’s defense team didn’t test Dan White’s infamous Twinkie Defense.

Anna Nicole Smith Award
Audrey Geisel
The Cat in the Hat
Dr. Seuss's first wife, Helen Palmer, collaborated with him in the creation of The Cat in the Hat, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears a Who and a host of other Seuss classics. She supported the Doctor’s obsessive energy and integrity, supporting his rejection of hundreds of film and merchandising offers. After Helen committed suicide in 1967, Seuss' married Audrey Diamond, a woman who had never read any of his books. When Dr. Suess died on September 24, 1991, Audrey began cashing out his unfinished and abandoned projects. Then, she auctioned off the character rights to Universal Studios for theme parks, merchandising, and films — the last of which, The Cat in the Hat, transforms the charmingly contentious high-hatted feline into a horny obnoxious opportunist — not unlike Anna Nicole Geisel.

Total Information Awareness Paranoia Award
Johnny Depp
Stern Interview
Basking in the success of another quirky role, Depp was quoted in an interview with the German magazine Stern as having said, "America is dumb, something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth — that can bite and hurt you, aggressive."

But when the quote was published, Depp, who lives in France, said he didn't intend any "anti-American sentiment." In fact, according to Depp the Stern article was an "insanely twisted deformation of my words and intent."

We wonder what changed Depp’s mind? Was it a phone call from a neighbor? A cautionary word from producer Jerry Bruckheimer’s attorneys? Or did the State Department get in touch with Depp and remind him that an ex-junkie is on a tight leash?

Stern stands by the original story. We wish Depp could.

Best Pirate
DVD Jon
No. This pirate is not swashbuckler Johnny Depp. We’re talking a real pirate here.

Norwegian teenager Jon Lech Johansen, cracked the DVD code and began transferring his collection of Hollywood films to a Linux PC. Jon then decided to publish his descrambling program. The result? His home was raided by Norway’s National Authority for Investigation and Prosecution of Economic and Environmental Crime. After seven hours of questioning, Jon emailed a pirate’s warning: “Someone's definitely going to pay for this. Did someone whisper countersuit?”

Shiver me timbers!

Johansen’s trial ended in his acquittal, prompting the Motion Picture Association of America to issue this statement:

"The actions of serial hackers such as Mr. Johansen are damaging to honest consumers everywhere. While the ruling does not affect laws outside of Norway, we believe this decision encourages circumvention of copyright that threatens consumer choice and employment in the film and television industries.”

That be not much incentive for Jon to fight fair then, is it?

ENRON Award for Corporate Incompetence
Michael Eisner
Disney
While the Securities and Exchange Commission investigated Disney’s alleged failure to disclose payments made to directors and their family members, and the company’s Orlando animation studio, which employed 260 people, shut down, Eisner was still whistling as he worked on derivative crap — Pixar being the exception. Then Pixar, Disney’s only truly creative venture, failed to renew its contract when its president Steve Jobs realized Eisner was a boob. Last time we checked in on Walt’s late great entertainment enterprise, Comcast lost in its bid to buy the mismanaged company and bump Eisner — a man who will probably come out of the whole mess smelling as financially sweet as Ken Lay.

Hillbilly Heroin Award
James Woods
Northfork
Sounding like Rush Limbaugh on Oxycontin, Woods tells Amy Reiter in a cranked-up Salon.com interview he’d rather shoot himself in the face than talk about politics, that he really wants to plug his movie, Northfork, but Clinton is a liar while Bush isn’t because bombing Iraq was simply the United States way to “atone” for 911 and personally, he’d like to put an 88-millimeter shell through Saddam’s and Bin Laden’s forehead.

Best Publicity Tour
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
Teminator 3
Was Schwarzenegger running for Governor or promoting his new film? We couldn’t tell.

The Neil Postman Honorary
Amusing Ourselves to Death Award
Taylor Donahue
Timely Studios
According to the May 2003 issue of Harper’s magazine, Taylor Donahue, vice president of production at Timely Studios emailed co-worker Anita Lavine, about a great cost-cutting production idea.

“Assuming the current situation with Iraq leads to combat activity by U.S. troops,” the email read, “I suggest we get a small film crew credentialed as press to shoot over there. This will solve some of the budget vs. production-value problems we've discussed. In the best-case scenario we can also get one or two of our leads over there in costume to do a scene with the mayhem of real war as a backdrop. Failing this, we can have the war as a back plate to use with blue screen of our actors. We'll be the only movie with a multibillion-dollar effects budget.”

And the only studio with potential footage of its audience's dead and dying sons and daughters.

Posthumous Embarrassment
Katherine Hepburn
Kate Remembered
We were big fans of Kate, until she died last year at the age of 96. It was then that we found out that Hepburn was a vindictive fool. At least that’s the impression she left in the “only to be publish after her death” bio, Kate Remembered. Hepburn tells its readers that she intensely disliked Meryl Streep’s acting, and that Glenn Close had "big, fat, ugly feet." She also reveals that grace was not one of her strengths.

— Nathan Callahan, February 17, 2004

LINK TO THIS ESSAY

Visit the Calleys of the Past

The 7th Annual Calleys — 2002
War Torn Awards

The 6th Annual Calleys — 2001
Dazed and Amused

The 5th Annual Calleys — 2000
Sex, Drugs and Narcissium

The 4th Annual Calleys — 1999
Rewarding Bad Behavior

The 3rd Annual Calleys — 1998
Winner of The Best Motion Picture Award Show is...

The 2nd Annual Calleys — 1997
One More Goddam Motion Picture Awards Ceremony

The 1st Annual Calleys — 1996
Up the Academy

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