Pschoanalyzing
John Ashcrodt: A talk with Psychotherapist Tina Tessina
Goodbye,
Mr. Tits. Of all the decisions George W. Bush made during
his first month in office, none was more twisted than the appointment
of John Ashcroft to head the Department of Justice. But now,
mercifully, Ashcroft is gone. On November 9, 2004, he resigned
with a flourish, stating that “The
objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and
terror has been achieved.”
What
a relief it is to at last be crime-free and terrorless.
As
the Federal Government's chief law enforcement officer, Ashcroft
counseled the President and represented the United States in legal
matters. As son of a Assemblies of God Pentecostal minister, Ashcroft
represents a religion that believes, among other things, that “it
is risky for Christians to build deep friendships with those who
do not share a spiritual bond in Christ” and “that
the spread of oriental religions and the occult in America has
brought with it an increase in demon possession.”
After
September 11, Ashcroft introduced the USA Patriot Act (or as our
anagram-loving federal government calls it, "Uniting and
Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required
to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism." Much has been written
about the Patriot Act’s chilling effect on our civil rights,
but little has been said about the mental condition of Ashcroft — a
man who believes that calico
cats are a sign of the devil.
In
her 25 years of counseling, psychotherapist Tina
Tessina has given solace to control freaks, panic attack victims,
narcissists, manic depressives and the assorted psychologically
impaired. Her most recent book "It
Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction" deals
with family dysfunction that, as she says, “often runs through
succeeding generations like a snowball rolling down a hill, gathering
speed and power as it goes.” I talked to Tessina at
an undisclosed location to avoid surveillance.
CALLAHAN: Ashcroft is a member of the Assembly
of God, a church that believes homosexuality is evil; Christians
should not make friends with non-Christians; people should avoid
all "sexually suggestive forms of media and entertainment";
speaking in tongues is a necessary component of salvation; mixed-gender
dancing leads to evil; and, government and laws should be predicated
on the teachings of the Bible. Are any of these teachings dysfunctional?
TESSINA: I'm
wondering if same-gender dancing is OK in their eyes. The whole
thing boggles the mind, doesn't it? It's all based on fear… Xenophobia/Homophobia… the
fear of something different, specifically the fear of gay people.
But also, fear of non-Christians, fear of natural body functions,
fear of sex and fear of the other gender. It even makes Jesus sound
fearsome. It's also unconstitutional. Our founding fathers came
from families who had escaped governments run by religion, and
knew how frightening it was. So they wrote provisions against it.
For an example of how scary government based on religion is, look
at the Taliban.
CALLAHAN: So
you’re saying that the Taliban is dysfunctional? Have you
treated any Taliban members?
TESSINA: No,
although I have treated men who use religion as an excuse to abuse
their families. They were court-referred.
CALLAHAN: In
his autobiography,
Ashcroft said he woke every morning to a "magisterial wake-up
call" of his father's prayers. Is that a good thing?
TESSINA: I'm
not sure. Did his father use a trumpet? Was he praying that his
sinner son not go to Hell? It depends on just how traumatic it
was.
CALLAHAN: Well,
look at the result. Each time Ashcroft has taken political office,
he’s been anointed with holy oil. At one anointing, when
there wasn't a consecrated lubricant available, he used Crisco.
Since the word "Messiah" means "anointed one" in
Hebrew, do you think that Ashcroft may suffer from trans fat induced
delusions?
TESSINA: Possibly,
but what about the person who anoints him? Actually, being anointed
means to be dedicated to God, which doesn't have to be menacing,
but since Ashcroft comes from those beliefs about Biblical government,
perhaps it makes him the American Pope.
CALLAHAN: Are
you saying that the Pope is delusional?
TESSINA: Hey,
guy, those are your words, not mine. When I think of the Pope,
I can't help thinking of Truman Capote's quip: "Nice dress,
sweetie, but your purse is on fire."
CALLAHAN: I’m
surprised Capote didn’t comment on the head dress. But I
digress. After 911 Ashcroft said, "Defending our nation and
defending the citizens of America against terrorist attacks is
now our first and overriding priority." That means anti-terrorism
is now Job #1 for a department that in the past focused on the
interpretation and enforcement of law. Is Ashcroft's focus on terror
obsessive?
TESSINA: It
sounds more paranoid than obsessive to me, but it's possible for
a person to have both paranoia and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Does he wash his hands a lot?
CALLAHAN: He
looks well scrubbed. One of my favorite music videos is Ashcroft
singing his own song “Let
the Eagle Soar.” In it he’s rubbing his hands together
in a way that I find disturbing, yet provocative. Could this mean
we may have had a paranoid-obsessive for an Attorney General?
TESSINA: Well,
I haven't psychoanalyzed the man, but excessive hand-rubbing is
a sign.
CALLAHAN: OK.
I don’t know about you, but I’m making the call. He’s
definitely paranoid-obsessive. He said that Saddam Hussein used "evil
chemistry" and "evil biology." The "evil" adjective justified
going to war even if no weapons of mass destruction were found.
He also said that, “a
radioactive ‘dirty bomb’ can cause mass death and injury.” The
truth is that while a dirty bomb isn’t the type of thing
you want exploding in your neighborhood, it’s fear-mongering
to characterize it as a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Do you think
that Ashcroft enjoys frightening people?
TESSINA: I
think he can't help it. If his beliefs are indeed based on the
Assembly of God, then his whole world view would be tinged by it,
and he couldn't help spreading it around. Paranoia again.
CALLAHAN: Do
I sound paranoid?
TESSINA: Well,
do you think Ashcroft is out to get you? Wait, maybe that's not
so paranoid.
CALLAHAN: I
think that John Ashcroft would take pleasure in getting me. But
that’s another story. Back in 2000, he ran for Senate against
Mel Carnahan. Only a week before the election Carnahan died in
a plane crash. Ashcroft still lost. Do you think losing to a dead
man may have affected his self esteem?
TESSINA: Ashcroft
probably thought he lost an even contest.
CALLAHAN: Wow.
That’s harsh. Speaking of dead men, Ashcroft once got an
honorary degree from Bob Jones
University, which at the time banned interracial dating. Do
you think Ashcroft ever dated a black woman?
TESSINA: Not
where his mama could see him. But, when the truth comes out, as
it does with so many conservatives, we may see some interesting
secrets come to light. My main question is, could he get any self-respecting
African-American woman to date him?
CALLAHAN: I’m
thinking Condoleeza Rice. They'd make a great couple. But who wouldn’t
want to date a woman who once
had an oil tanker named after her? Where do you think he’d
take her? Since Ashcroft doesn't drink, smoke or dance, how about
Disneyland?
TESSINA: Well,
for sure not DollyWood, or Graceland.
CALLAHAN: If
Ashcroft wanted to be a better person — say, like me — what
could he do?
TESSINA: Lighten
up, have a good time, understand that God has a sense of humor
and cares more about love than fear.
CALLAHAN: God
must have a sense of humor to come up with the Assembly of God.
But what kind of being would create a man so bunched-up that he’d
want a statue of a naked woman covered? It
makes you wonder what he thought about Janet
Jackson at this year's Super Bowl Halftime.Ashcroft
ordered curtains hung over the breasts of the statue of Justice
because they was in the line of sight for photographers at the
Attorney General’s press conferences. In other words, he
spent $8,000 in taxpayer money to avoid being seen with a nipple.
Given that, what do you think his relationship is to his wife and
mother?
TESSINA: There's that fear of the natural
again. It's puzzling to me how someone can purport to
revere God and yet be so afraid of — or maybe
repulsed — by God's creations. I doubt if his
relationship with his wife or with his mother is based
on mutual respect, openness and honesty. There are probably
a lot of rules involved.
CALLAHAN: What
kind of rules? Do you think he married a dominatrix?
TESSINA: Not
if he had his political future in mind, but it's an
interesting thought.
CALLAHAN: Given
what you know, is Ashcroft nuts?
TESSINA: Nuts
is not really a psychological term. However, I'd love to get a
chance to be his shrink.
CALLAHAN: So,
could Ashcroft benefit from psychotherapy?
TESSINA: I
believe so, but I don't know if he'd consider it a benefit.
CALLAHAN: OK.
Here’s the big question. Since Bush appointed this man, do
you think there should be a national mental stability test for
elected officials?
TESSINA: That would be great. But,
if we implemented it now, we'd have to have some backup
elections first. The government would be plucked pretty
clean.
— Nathan Callahan,
February 2, 2004 (updated November 10, 2004)
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