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The Schlomo Effect
Researchers at the University of California, El Segundo released a report Tuesday confirming that exactly one-half of the earth’s human population is profoundly stupid.

“After 10 years of research, using a cross-section of nearly 650,000 participants from around the world, we calculated that exactly 50% — that’s one out of every two people — have a minimum of detectible cognitive abilities,” Marshall Birchfield a university spokesman said.

“Another fifty percent of the world’s population has suspected this evenly divided intelligence schism,” Birchfield continued. “They just didn’t want to say anything about it.”

Researchers at the university christened the 50-50 phenomenon the Schlomo Effect after King Solomon, the son of David and Bathsheba and ruler of Israel from 960 to 922 B.C.

“It’s fair to say Solomon was acutely aware half the people in the world are morons,” Birchfield said.

Although he authored the Song of Songs, the Book of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, Solomon is most remembered for his Wise Ruling in the Bible (1 Kings, 3:16).

The Wise Ruling refers to a case of two women who approached Solomon with a baby and a dilemma. Both women claimed the baby was their own.

According to the Bible, Solomon solved the problem by instructing his court to “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’"

Woman #1 accepted the decision, but Woman #2 begged the King to give the baby to Woman #1. With only the slightest patronizing tone, Solomon announced that Woman #2 was the mother.

“Exactly half of the people in our research testing thought Solomon made a good call,” Birchfield said. “The other half wondered what kind of fool would want to saw a baby in half.”

Researches believe that in addition to understanding day-to-day illogical occurrences, the Schlomo Effect may shed light on world events. The presidency of George W. Bush is a text book example.

Data from the year 2003, indicates that at that time half the population of the United States believed that Iraq was involved in an attack on the World Trade Center in New York.

“No matter how much evidence was revealed to the contrary, half of the population persisted in believing that Iraq was responsible,” Birchfield said.

George W. Bush, who was president at the time, declared war on the relatively small, oil-rich Middle Eastern country citing the New York attacks as a justification.

Curiously, the president appears to have been in the less-gifted half of the smart/stupid divide.

“Bush, in addition to being a dim bulb, had a strong following in the idiot community,” Birchfield said. “His advisors, who profited immensely from the war, were well-aware of the Schlomo Effect and used it to their advantage. They figured that at least half of the population could be easily manipulated — just as Solomon believed that one of the two women would think meat-cleaving a baby was a swell idea.”

In naming the Schlomo Effect, a minor controversy erupted over the concluding passage of the Wise Ruling — “When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.”

“Some of us were perplexed by the unanimous support for Solomon,” Birchfield said. “But we later determined that either Solomon had embedded reporters or only half the people of Israel believed that he was wise. If that‘s the case, then an idiot wrote the story."

— Nathan Callahan, June 25, 2003


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